Another Ivy leaf unfurls

Describing Ivys death in my last blog was a contest of water resistant keyboards and absorbant paper towels.   The idea of sharing my thoughts and feelings with others would of horrified me beyond words just a short time ago.  Writing this blog has allowed me to give thought and consideration to each part of Ivy's tragic loss.  I find I like to compare things....and use them to describe how things (crazy, looney things sometimes) run through my mind. 

The storm broke suddenly, violent tendrils of rain streaking towards the earth.  Gathering, piling, and flowing until the single drop becomes a rivulet, then a tendril, racing onward to gather in streams and flowing into rivers broad and swift.  Then this unstoppable force calms as it enters into the tributary of a lake,  the water spreading its broad wings across the surface as it adds it weight and power to the already immense stored pressure.  Where must this pressure go?  This undaunted power that refuses to remain contained, pushing relentlessly on the flood gates until finally straining and buckling they loose there contents once again into the river. 

This is how I feel about what happened with Ivy.  The sudden appearance of grief.  The undiminishing force of it as it pours into your soul.  To try and hold something back of that magnitude would be impossible,  not only impossible but unwise and wrong.  To not let the grief pour out is to try and stop something that is not meant to be held.  I know many of you call and ask how I am doing and sometimes I break down on the phone,  other times i am not as communicative as I could be and yet others I act as though all is fine.  It is difficult may days to hold it in when you are trying to accomplish what needs doing that day.  From working, school, and most important family.  As I mentioned above I like to compare so to be fair I must describe what happens after the dam bursts.

The clouds break,  streamers of warm clean sun shining through the droplets.  Refracting off of each one and throwing prizms of light out to others to repeat the effect.  The pressure on the flood gates ease as other streams and rivers feeding the lake slow the flow and relieve the tension.  The empty flooded landscape slowly absorbs the water and new life comes forth from the old.  Fresh flowers and plants spreading accross large swaths of fields.  The growth is slow but steady moving forward from a desolated bleak landscape to one filled with the sights, sounds and feeling of life. 

Everytime someone calls me,  talks to me or prays for me and my family it helps lessen the load.  Its not always easy to talk about her but it would be a diservice to Ivy to not share all the love we had for her, and more importantly the love she had for us. 

Somedays my posts will be rain, other days sunny.  Even possibly a snowstorm or blizzard depending on the day.  My grief runs deep,  buried under many emotions that I must face and work through but more important is my love for my family and for my little Ivy. 

So please do what all of you are already doing, writing, talking, calling.  Everybit helps and even though I might not have the strength everyday to thank everyone I hope that they know I am borrowing on their will, love and courage to get through each day and am immensly grateful.

As always I will write again after I have sorted through my emotions.  Know that I love you all with more love than I thought my heart could hold...the love of a little girl named Ivy.

Once again I love you Ivy.
Daddy