Ivy's Time

I remember 4 years ago today that it happened.  My Dad called me at school and told me that Ivy had stopped breathing and that she had been taken to the hospital.  My heart seemed to drop from my chest in a way that cannot be explained.  My wife and I rushed to Primary children's hospital and kept a vigil through the night.  In the morning we held her close as the ventilators and other machines that were keeping her alive were turned off.  Her little body wrapped in a blanket held tight in my arms as she took her last breaths.  I told her it was OK and she didn't have to hurt anymore.  Some of the hardest words I have ever had to say.

They say time heals all wounds and I hope this is true.  Time for all to be forgotten, time for all to be slowly worn away until nothing remains.

Time has indeed gone by for me.  I think some wounds have healed but others feel very open still, such as the fact that I dread this time of year now where before I used to love the fall.

Time has not changed some memories such as that fateful day I had to tell my daughters that Ivy had died and would not be coming home again.  That hurt so much because not only was she gone but my other girls were so hurt now to.

Time goes by and I still remember the viewing.  My last time that I saw her angelic face.  Before we closed the casket I tucked her in with her favorite yellow blanket that she always used to drag around the house.  The one she had to always have to go to sleep.  I wrapped it gently around her and after gently kissing her forehead I closed her casket.

Time to remember all the times I would drive to her grave and just sit with her because I felt so very very close to her there.  The only place where I could still feel like she was a permanent part of my then and now not a fading memory.

Time to remember that even though this day is so hard for me and I wonder how can everyone not remember this day!  Such a terrible day!  And then I remember that time passes for others also.  Their lives must move forward and while it is important to many, it is only this way for me and my wife.

Time to look at how we should be preparing to baptize her for her birthday next month but alas this will not happen.  It is just another could of been....should of been....wish....

Time to recognize those who truly mean the most to your family for listening, sympathizing and most of all caring.  To those very special family members and friends you know who you are, thank you.

Time until I see you again Ivy

Love Dad

Ivys Voice

It has been awhile since I last wrote about my little Ivy.  I may not speak of it to others but I remember her everyday.  I want to say hey remember my darling daughter!  But it only makes people uncomfortable.  Out of sight out of mind type of thing.  I sat and watched home movies of her for hours tonight.  She was so vibrant and clear and her voice so alive....so very alive.  I listen to myself in those videos, a proud father of 3 beautiful girls.  I hear the kindness and cheerful timbre of my voice, my own voice and think how very far I am from that person.  

I know I am different now but life must still be lived,  new precious moments made with our wonderful twin girls and darling little son.  

So while ivy's voice is always with me, happy and clear, mine is not so happy or quite as kind as it used to be.  For my friends and family I appreciate your patience.  Your time and your love.  I know we are coming up on the 4th anniversary of her death and instead of celebrating and having a babtism we will now enter the part of life where you have been away longer than we spent with you.  

To all those who are a constant in my life I thank you.  Those who let me call and ask them questions, those who listen and those who just pat me on the back,  thank you

And to my little angel keep whispering to me in that voice.  I may not be the person you remember but I will be someone you can be proud of.

Love always

Dad.