I think all the time about what might of been or should of been. The hardest thing about losing a child is not the grief....not the pain....but the loss of the future. The future filled with what could of been...or should of been, at least in my opinion.
One of my favorite might of been's is to imagine a day with her. My very own day to ask the questions I need answers to. A day to fold her in my arms and not let go.
I think of her with all of her beautiful hair and smiling face....looking up at me with a huge smile as she slips her tiny warm hand into mine. The chirp of her cute voice as she sees something exciting and exclaims loudly " look at the daddy!". The happiness it brings to my heat to see her so excited over something that I take for granted.
I think of us walking together down a leaf strewn trail, the sun warm on our backs as its light dapples the ground as we walk under the trees. Her smiling face as she points out colorful flowers in shades so colorful as to give life to the very air around them. The hum of life through the forest that enters your mind and heart and lets you feel that any thing is possible. That life is bounding around you and sharing its energy leaving you refreshed and invigorated.
A stream rustling through the forest lends harmony to the rustle of the leaves. A worn log rests next to the water and makes the perfect chair for us to sit on....the heat on our backs and the refreshing breezes wafting up from the stream.
And most importantly we talk....a talk that would last until I had finally allowed all the questions and answers that I needed to spill out. The meaning of it all....I would tell her how I missed her, how I would never forget her, and how I would spend my life loving her sisters and mother. Making sure they were taken care of and loved as I loved her
I would ask other questions to....questions that I don't want to know the answer to but need to ask. I would ask if she would forgive me for turning off the machine that was keeping her alive. Ask if she would forgive me for weeping as she died and I held her in my arms. Ask her if she could forgive me for telling her it was ok to let go and that she didn't have to hurt anymore. And finally for not keeping my word to keep her safe from harm.
I know in my heart that my little roo would forgive me all this and more, but sometimes it's easier to know that someone would forgive you if only you could forgive yourself.
Love you as always Ivy
Daddy
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Ivy on my mind
I know that some of these blogs probably get old after awhile. The same old thing it probably seems... you might ask yourself when is he just going to get over it? Believe me I have asked myself that many times over the last 9 months.
Let me share some of the things I do when I think about Ivy.... alot of the time it's not "convenient" for grief. Lots of people are around, I am at work or with others. Why can't it just come when I am alone and it's time for bed? Or taking a shower so I can just wash away the tears easily. I don't know how the world still turns somedays and yet I clench my stomach, hold my breath, close my eyes and will the tears back because it isn't a "convenient" time.
When did missing my daughter become about convenince? Why can't I just sit down in the middle of a group and just let the tears pour forth. I can't keep bottling it up inside like I have been the last two months. I am just making every episode more intense and emotional when if I were to deal with it that moment and let out my grief I could probably have a much better handle on it.
It's finally come to the point where I can't talk about her. I have to take deep breaths and try and force the words out past the pain. It has been so hard....so very hard.
Many tell me that they can still feel her with us...I envy them. Many people have found peace in it this way but to tell you the truth I don't feel her...what I wouldn't give to feel just a hint of her presence. Just a touch of her laugh in the wind or the feel of her hand on my cheek like golden sunshine. I go to her grave because it is the only place I can even begin to feel close to her but people just don't understand. They tell me to quit torturing my self by going there.
What I need the most is to hear things like "Justin are you doing ok?" or "I just posted this picture for you and your family because we care" I am so tired of hearing that time heals everything it doesn't provide relief from my pain all it does is let me know the person saying it to me cares.
I watched the fourth of July fireworks with my "second family" (you know who you are) and as my kids were enthralled I could only think of how much Ivy would of loved it.
Please I just ask for one thing....to know my little girl is warm, being taken care of and loved. Thats all I ask.
Love you so much Ivy
Daddy.
Let me share some of the things I do when I think about Ivy.... alot of the time it's not "convenient" for grief. Lots of people are around, I am at work or with others. Why can't it just come when I am alone and it's time for bed? Or taking a shower so I can just wash away the tears easily. I don't know how the world still turns somedays and yet I clench my stomach, hold my breath, close my eyes and will the tears back because it isn't a "convenient" time.
When did missing my daughter become about convenince? Why can't I just sit down in the middle of a group and just let the tears pour forth. I can't keep bottling it up inside like I have been the last two months. I am just making every episode more intense and emotional when if I were to deal with it that moment and let out my grief I could probably have a much better handle on it.
It's finally come to the point where I can't talk about her. I have to take deep breaths and try and force the words out past the pain. It has been so hard....so very hard.
Many tell me that they can still feel her with us...I envy them. Many people have found peace in it this way but to tell you the truth I don't feel her...what I wouldn't give to feel just a hint of her presence. Just a touch of her laugh in the wind or the feel of her hand on my cheek like golden sunshine. I go to her grave because it is the only place I can even begin to feel close to her but people just don't understand. They tell me to quit torturing my self by going there.
What I need the most is to hear things like "Justin are you doing ok?" or "I just posted this picture for you and your family because we care" I am so tired of hearing that time heals everything it doesn't provide relief from my pain all it does is let me know the person saying it to me cares.
I watched the fourth of July fireworks with my "second family" (you know who you are) and as my kids were enthralled I could only think of how much Ivy would of loved it.
Please I just ask for one thing....to know my little girl is warm, being taken care of and loved. Thats all I ask.
Love you so much Ivy
Daddy.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Remembering Ivy
This is the hardest post I have put up since my very first one.
I am going to a memorial for Ivy tommorow with my wife and kids. It is being held by Primary childrens medical center which is the where we had to say good bye to out little Ivy.
How do I go back? I have not been able to enter a hospital since she died. I literally feel torn in half because of the two competing thoughts....do I return to honor her memory? Or do I stay away because of the grief and terror that returning will cause. I say terror becasue that is exactly what I feel. Holding her in our arms as she took her final breaths and telling her it's ok to let go. That we love her. Thats what I remember when I enter a hospital. What kind of father am I that it is so hard to make myself go. I can't let my wife and kids attend without me that would be a slap to her memory and a burden that I could not bear, allowing them to suffer and me not being there to hold them.
Isn't missing her every day, every hour of my life enough?
I feel like a black chasm is open at my feet, Deep and dark it spirals into the depths...will I have the fortitude and the will try and cross or will I fail, falling into despair. How can I be so blessed with a wonderful family, having finally graduated and obtained a good job and yet not be able to focus on the good, the wonder and joy that my family brings.
I am broken inside and even though time heals I fear this break will always be tender.
Ivy as always I love you
Daddy
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Ivy's Home
Graduation is coming soon and that means change. Change that I am not sure I can handle yet. Getting my degree and finishing school ... working full time during the week. I can handle all of these changes but I don't know about moving to be closer to work.
Home. It's such a simple word and means different things to different people. Home is where my family is. Home is that safe warm place full of good memories. Home is continuity and home is love.
Home is where my Ivy is. How do I find the way to leave our home for another? How do I find the strength to change the one and only place that my family has ever been whole. Our small home where we first brought our precious daughter home to...our home where we raised her for almost four years...our home where she left us...our home where she last walked the floor...where she laughed and loved. How?
The home my wife and I came home to the day Ivy died. The home that felt so physically empty but filled with her memories...The home where I said goodbye to her that fateful day.
How do I find you if not home Ivy? Where do I go? Who do I ask? How can I touch your soft hair and hear your clear laugh if not at home?
So much pain is in my heart tonight that I feel it may burst. My eyes strain to blink away tears as I type. I know our home isn't lavish, isn't huge, isn't many things but it was the home our family made...our whole family.
I ask you how and why? I speak of change and pain. I selfishly feel that I have been through enough already and why force me to make another change? Another acceptance of her loss. I don't need any more changes, I know she is gone. I feel it in every breath that isn't quite complete because of the missing part of my soul.
I fear tonight will be another sleepless night. Sitting here looking at photos' of our past happiness. The grief of her loss tearing at me, whispering could have's and should have's.....questioning yet no answers come forth to give me comfort.
Home is lost.
Home is pain
Home is grief
No matter the time or distance...the trials or circumstances I can never go home again.
As always Ivy,
Love Daddy.
Home. It's such a simple word and means different things to different people. Home is where my family is. Home is that safe warm place full of good memories. Home is continuity and home is love.
Home is where my Ivy is. How do I find the way to leave our home for another? How do I find the strength to change the one and only place that my family has ever been whole. Our small home where we first brought our precious daughter home to...our home where we raised her for almost four years...our home where she left us...our home where she last walked the floor...where she laughed and loved. How?
The home my wife and I came home to the day Ivy died. The home that felt so physically empty but filled with her memories...The home where I said goodbye to her that fateful day.
How do I find you if not home Ivy? Where do I go? Who do I ask? How can I touch your soft hair and hear your clear laugh if not at home?
So much pain is in my heart tonight that I feel it may burst. My eyes strain to blink away tears as I type. I know our home isn't lavish, isn't huge, isn't many things but it was the home our family made...our whole family.
I ask you how and why? I speak of change and pain. I selfishly feel that I have been through enough already and why force me to make another change? Another acceptance of her loss. I don't need any more changes, I know she is gone. I feel it in every breath that isn't quite complete because of the missing part of my soul.
I fear tonight will be another sleepless night. Sitting here looking at photos' of our past happiness. The grief of her loss tearing at me, whispering could have's and should have's.....questioning yet no answers come forth to give me comfort.
Home is lost.
Home is pain
Home is grief
No matter the time or distance...the trials or circumstances I can never go home again.
As always Ivy,
Love Daddy.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Ivy my beloved
The ridges of the stone felt sharp and crisp against my fingers. The tips of each one questing into each groove and notch. Alternating from a rough ridge to a smooth straight side....The day was warm and a gentle breeze was whispering through the grass making a small rustling sound as my fingers gently caressed the word "beloved" on Ivy's headstone. I knelt at her grave silently tears rolling unnoticed down my face. My precious child wrapped tightly in her favorite blanket so close....so close....no earthly way was left for me to reach her though no matter the distance.
If I could only imagine one more day to be with you. We would be completely alone. Just your mom and sisters would be allowed in. A jumping, rolling knot of playing sisters as Ivy tagged along after her older siblings....wanting so much to be like them and of course snuggling against her mother their long hair entwining as Ivy kisses her cheek. No feelings of love would go unshared, no laughter withheld. This long jagged cut in my soul erased as if it had never been....no more grief, sadness and anger only pure joy at the thought of our family being together again.
That is what I could imagine.
As I knelt in front of her gravestone, my fingers pressed so hard into the cold unyielding stone I saw another person. At first I took them to be a visitor like myself but then realized that they were cutting through the cemetary to reach a destination. All of my sadness left and changed to anger. What gave this person the right to disturb me in this moment of peace with my child. How can my tears and grief not stand out like a beacon among stones. The emotions I was feeling were so intense they must be visible to others! But the person noticed not. Not that I was crying, Not that I had such anger, not that my beloved daughter lay beneath my feet. How I thought. How can they not see and know such a powerful thing. Such a thing that has changed my life forever. I thought these things as I glared at the person and then I noticed the person was actually a young man of around eight. My anger extinguished as I grappled with my intense emotions and I felt a guilt rising in me. What right did I have to feel angry at anothers child? How could I have these angry emotions that overcame my sense of loss right here at my daughters grave?
I prayed again on her grave and asked for strength to make it just one more day. Then for one more after that. Most of all I prayed for her to know my love for her.
I love you Ivy and miss you
Love as always, Daddy
If I could only imagine one more day to be with you. We would be completely alone. Just your mom and sisters would be allowed in. A jumping, rolling knot of playing sisters as Ivy tagged along after her older siblings....wanting so much to be like them and of course snuggling against her mother their long hair entwining as Ivy kisses her cheek. No feelings of love would go unshared, no laughter withheld. This long jagged cut in my soul erased as if it had never been....no more grief, sadness and anger only pure joy at the thought of our family being together again.
That is what I could imagine.
As I knelt in front of her gravestone, my fingers pressed so hard into the cold unyielding stone I saw another person. At first I took them to be a visitor like myself but then realized that they were cutting through the cemetary to reach a destination. All of my sadness left and changed to anger. What gave this person the right to disturb me in this moment of peace with my child. How can my tears and grief not stand out like a beacon among stones. The emotions I was feeling were so intense they must be visible to others! But the person noticed not. Not that I was crying, Not that I had such anger, not that my beloved daughter lay beneath my feet. How I thought. How can they not see and know such a powerful thing. Such a thing that has changed my life forever. I thought these things as I glared at the person and then I noticed the person was actually a young man of around eight. My anger extinguished as I grappled with my intense emotions and I felt a guilt rising in me. What right did I have to feel angry at anothers child? How could I have these angry emotions that overcame my sense of loss right here at my daughters grave?
I prayed again on her grave and asked for strength to make it just one more day. Then for one more after that. Most of all I prayed for her to know my love for her.
I love you Ivy and miss you
Love as always, Daddy
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Ivy's Promise
I know in my heart tonight a feeling of peace. A light in the corner that glimmers slightly has suddenly burst into full flame and lit the dark corners of my soul. A reason. A promise. A goal. All these and more formed from evasive broken pieces of thought and grief into a strong resolve! A powerful shout echoes through the clamoring of guilt and denial in my head.......What is this light? What is this noise? My daughters love. Ivy would not want me to be saddened by her death. She would not with me pain, suffering and grief. No! She would do what she did everytime she saw that I was sad. She would lay her cheek against mine her soft hair curling around us and tell me she loved me. Don't be sad Daddy. So I look at my life. How am I honoring her memory by burying it in sadness and grief? Why shouldn't I laugh and feel love at the memory of her running into my arms to be held. Why not feel the wind fresh on my face and think not of death but of the love she had for her family. The love that I am resolved to provide in her stead. How I will make my wifes tears into smiles, my childrens sadness into laughter.
Ivy. I promise.
Love with happiness in my heart for all the wonder you continue to bring into our lives
Always a proud daddy of Three!
Daddy.
Ivy. I promise.
Love with happiness in my heart for all the wonder you continue to bring into our lives
Always a proud daddy of Three!
Daddy.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Ivy's Valentine
I knew this one was going to be a tough day. Valentines, the day you share your heart with the ones you love. When our twin 6 year old daughters came home today from first grade they each had smiles from ear to ear. Bags and big candy hearts filled their hands, excitement glowing in each of their eyes. I was so happy to see them like this, pure innocence and enjoyment from a wonderful day.
I try not to dwell on my Ivy but it stirs my heart tonight. Ivy would you be my valentine? Could my gift be one more day to bask in your love. One more day to share my heart.
If I could give you my valentine my dear this is some of what it would contain....A droplet of water shed from my eyes because of pure joy. A wisp of the warm south wind that has risen off a grove of trees smelling fresh and alive. A burst of starlight to spread around your hair to catch and twinkle in each curly lock. The sound of rustling leaves in a quite warm forest glen. A soft touch of sunset to bathe your face and light your eyes. And most of all you would feel.......my heart, and the infinite love it holds for you.
As always Ivy
love Daddy
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Ivy's meanderings
So that last one was kind of depressing wasn't it? I know I went back through it later and just kind of cringed. But let me tell you something...honest feelings expressed are never wrong. Honest feelings kept locked inside are poison. I know many of you that read that last one were very concerned for me and you will all never know how much I appreciate it and love you all for it.
But let me share something else about my writing....it is theraputic for me. It allows thoughts, many of them crazy or wacky to be expressed. To find a way to the surface and allow me to hold them up and look at them honestly, to sort them and address each one as needed. As soon as I hit the final enter key on that post I felt physically and emotionally better. In fact contrary to what alot of you probably got out of that most of my days are better. Not great or even good but.....better. I still have certain days where I just have to let it out or I swear it would just eat me alive inside if I tried to keep all that in. It warms my heart and soul when people share links about my little blog and others that I don't even know comment on it and I know Ivy's memory is alive and well in many hearts.
I love my wife and twins more then they can ever know and as for my little Ivy I am pretty sure it's obvious that I will always consider my self a father of THREE.
A little different this time
Love from Ivy and her Daddy to all of those who support us.
Justin Hayes
PS "love daddy"
But let me share something else about my writing....it is theraputic for me. It allows thoughts, many of them crazy or wacky to be expressed. To find a way to the surface and allow me to hold them up and look at them honestly, to sort them and address each one as needed. As soon as I hit the final enter key on that post I felt physically and emotionally better. In fact contrary to what alot of you probably got out of that most of my days are better. Not great or even good but.....better. I still have certain days where I just have to let it out or I swear it would just eat me alive inside if I tried to keep all that in. It warms my heart and soul when people share links about my little blog and others that I don't even know comment on it and I know Ivy's memory is alive and well in many hearts.
I love my wife and twins more then they can ever know and as for my little Ivy I am pretty sure it's obvious that I will always consider my self a father of THREE.
A little different this time
Love from Ivy and her Daddy to all of those who support us.
Justin Hayes
PS "love daddy"
Ivy's Night
Night falls fast across the landscape of my soul today. I strive to find the faintest glimmer of light across the desolate flats. I know that I have fallen into a deep depression today brought on by many factors but mostly lack of sleep and the most important...the absence of my daughter. I reach desperately for meaning but I just can't make my self care about anything today. On phone calls and conversations I could not even make decisions because I felt so emotionally and physically drained. I told myself "I don't care." I told myself "it does not matter what happens next because it can't get any worse than this". Then my wife came and laid next to me in tears because she was so worried about me. And my selfish walls that I had built around me today started to crumble. The don't care attitude was beaten and stomped down by the power of her pain. Pain because of me. Pain because I was not strong enough to be the man that she needed me to be. I feel like I have failed my family I am suppose to be the strong one! Not the one weeping in the burnt out coals of a cold hearth. Where have my feelings gone? To completely desert me and leave me cold and numb. Physically and emotionally unable to even carry on a normal conversation other then yes, no or don't care. The only emotion I can still feel keenly is the sharp blade of grief that buries it self in my heart every time I think of Ivy. My chest heaves and tears stream down my face but I don't even care enough to notice who is watching me. The part of me that I need desperately need o find, the part that never gives up, the part who would be the man that Ivy would want me to be is lost in this wilderness. I pray to god that I can find that person again. I pray that someone, somewhere will be able to tell me how to get back to that secret hidden path.
I admit it. I am afraid and I need help. I need people to leave a comment to pull my head out. I need people to leave a note that says everything will be better. I need her memory to be shared with as many people as possible and never forgotten. I feel that the love off my family and friends is the only way back to the sunlight and happiness of life. A life where the cool breeze of a brisk day evokes thoughts of walks among autumn trees. A stream chuckles over rocks and down a gully making it's noisy way through the hills and leaving a tang of freshness you can taste from the spray. And most important the touch of 's hand on mine. To know that I am not alone, that touch upon my soul from a divine source to grant comfort.
Please......
Ivy as always
Love, Daddy. And forgive me for not being strong enough...
I admit it. I am afraid and I need help. I need people to leave a comment to pull my head out. I need people to leave a note that says everything will be better. I need her memory to be shared with as many people as possible and never forgotten. I feel that the love off my family and friends is the only way back to the sunlight and happiness of life. A life where the cool breeze of a brisk day evokes thoughts of walks among autumn trees. A stream chuckles over rocks and down a gully making it's noisy way through the hills and leaving a tang of freshness you can taste from the spray. And most important the touch of 's hand on mine. To know that I am not alone, that touch upon my soul from a divine source to grant comfort.
Please......
Ivy as always
Love, Daddy. And forgive me for not being strong enough...
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Ivy's Memory
This blog has been one or the most difficult things of my life. When Ivy died I thought it could not get any worse than this. Nothing in life will be this bad, this terrible....this unthinkable. But as I found the funeral past and the days changing I found something else to match it. Memories.
I truly believe that memory's are a way to connect with our past and bring it back into our present. Sometimes this can be a blessing while other times a painful hardship. Our family went to visit Ivy today and it was just to difficult to pull up to the cemetery with the expectation of painful memory's and today was no exception.
One of the memory's that bring me to tears most often is the last time we talked. I had taken her to the emergency room to be checked because we were worried about her, afterward we were leaving the hospital with her prescription and I had her all wrapped up in her little blankie that she loved so much. She had her long curly hair pressed against my cheek as she leaned in against me and told me she loved me. Then she said the oddest thing, she asked if I would always protect her. I promised her I would. This memory and this promise come to mind everyday. The pure love she had for me as she snuggled close. A childs innocence still with her and the promise of a long and happy future was assured. We had just left the hospital and gotten that reassurance that a worried parent needs.
Now away from the memory's and into the morrow we must move. Thoughts of her will fill my mind at all times and places, in school, driving, and at home. During sacrement meeting I can no longer stay for all the meetings. I sit close to the back with my family and bow my head to hide the tears that pour forth. Not a single Sunday meeting has gone by without my tears running the entire time. We had her funeral in that very chapel and the memory glimmers at me just out of the corner of my vision a constant reminder, something that I must look at like a flashing light. This and other places have become a memory that I cannot escape.
Others say things to friends and family and you eventually hear some of them. Things like "they are not the same person" or "They are taking it very hard". True statements both of them along with others. Not meant in an unkind way but a statement from a caring individual.
Do I go out and see movies with friends? Or take the family out to do something fun? Sometimes....not nearly as often as before. It is hard to find joy in anything. Books become a hardship rather than a relaxation. A movie becomes a reminder rather then a distraction. Lunch with a friend becomes a chore as you "try and be normal".
Can the beauty of life be found again? I remember days before her death with clarity and vividness while the days following drag on with tedium and grayness.
The things I need most the support of my family and friends is wonderful. The outpouring of love and especially the comments about my blog and followers of it help me feel that there are some people out there that might understand. So please if you are my brother, my friend, my cousin, an aquaintance or even someone who I have not had the chance to be friends with yet or a complete stranger, leave your comments. Share your thoughts. Help me make some new memory's that might be as bright and as strong as those that I have for my little one.
As always Ivy....
Love Daddy
I truly believe that memory's are a way to connect with our past and bring it back into our present. Sometimes this can be a blessing while other times a painful hardship. Our family went to visit Ivy today and it was just to difficult to pull up to the cemetery with the expectation of painful memory's and today was no exception.
One of the memory's that bring me to tears most often is the last time we talked. I had taken her to the emergency room to be checked because we were worried about her, afterward we were leaving the hospital with her prescription and I had her all wrapped up in her little blankie that she loved so much. She had her long curly hair pressed against my cheek as she leaned in against me and told me she loved me. Then she said the oddest thing, she asked if I would always protect her. I promised her I would. This memory and this promise come to mind everyday. The pure love she had for me as she snuggled close. A childs innocence still with her and the promise of a long and happy future was assured. We had just left the hospital and gotten that reassurance that a worried parent needs.
Now away from the memory's and into the morrow we must move. Thoughts of her will fill my mind at all times and places, in school, driving, and at home. During sacrement meeting I can no longer stay for all the meetings. I sit close to the back with my family and bow my head to hide the tears that pour forth. Not a single Sunday meeting has gone by without my tears running the entire time. We had her funeral in that very chapel and the memory glimmers at me just out of the corner of my vision a constant reminder, something that I must look at like a flashing light. This and other places have become a memory that I cannot escape.
Others say things to friends and family and you eventually hear some of them. Things like "they are not the same person" or "They are taking it very hard". True statements both of them along with others. Not meant in an unkind way but a statement from a caring individual.
Do I go out and see movies with friends? Or take the family out to do something fun? Sometimes....not nearly as often as before. It is hard to find joy in anything. Books become a hardship rather than a relaxation. A movie becomes a reminder rather then a distraction. Lunch with a friend becomes a chore as you "try and be normal".
Can the beauty of life be found again? I remember days before her death with clarity and vividness while the days following drag on with tedium and grayness.
The things I need most the support of my family and friends is wonderful. The outpouring of love and especially the comments about my blog and followers of it help me feel that there are some people out there that might understand. So please if you are my brother, my friend, my cousin, an aquaintance or even someone who I have not had the chance to be friends with yet or a complete stranger, leave your comments. Share your thoughts. Help me make some new memory's that might be as bright and as strong as those that I have for my little one.
As always Ivy....
Love Daddy
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