Ivy on my mind

I know that some of these blogs probably get old after awhile.  The same old thing it probably seems... you might ask yourself when is he just going to get over it?  Believe me I have asked myself that many times over the last 9 months.

Let me share some of the things I do when I think about Ivy.... alot of the time it's not "convenient" for grief.  Lots of people are around, I am at work or with others.  Why can't it just come when I am alone and it's time for bed?  Or taking a shower so I can just wash away the tears easily.  I don't know how the world still turns somedays and yet I clench my stomach, hold my breath, close my eyes and will the tears back because it isn't a "convenient" time.

When did missing my daughter become about convenince?  Why can't I just sit down in the middle of a group and just let the tears pour forth.  I can't keep bottling it up inside like I have been the last two months.  I am just making every episode more intense and emotional when if I were to deal with it that moment and let out my grief I could probably have a much better handle on it.

It's finally come to the point where I can't talk about her.  I have to take deep breaths and try and force the words out past the pain.  It has been so hard....so very hard.

Many tell me that they can still feel her with us...I envy them.  Many people have found peace in it this way but to tell you the truth I don't feel her...what I wouldn't give to feel just a hint of her presence.  Just a touch of her laugh in the wind or the feel of her hand on my cheek like golden sunshine.  I go to her grave because it is the only place I can even begin to feel close to her but people just don't understand.  They tell me to quit torturing my self by going there.

What I need the most is to hear things like "Justin are you doing ok?"  or "I just posted this picture for you and your family because we care"  I am so tired of hearing that time heals everything it doesn't provide relief from my pain all it does is let me know the person saying it to me cares.

I watched the fourth of July fireworks with my "second family" (you know who you are) and as my kids were enthralled I could only think of how much Ivy would of loved it.

Please I just ask for one thing....to know my little girl is warm, being taken care of and loved.  Thats all I ask.

Love you so much Ivy
Daddy.