Remembering Ivy

This is the hardest post I have put up since my very first one.

I am going to a memorial for Ivy tommorow with my wife and kids.  It is being held by Primary childrens medical center which is the where we had to say good bye to out little Ivy.

How do I go back?  I have not been able to enter a hospital since she died.  I literally feel torn in half because of the two competing thoughts....do I return to honor her memory?  Or do I stay away because of the grief and terror that returning will cause.  I say terror becasue that is exactly what I feel.  Holding her in our arms as she took her final breaths and telling her it's ok to let go.  That we love her.  Thats what I remember when I enter a hospital.  What kind of father am I that it is so hard to make myself go.  I can't let my wife and kids attend without me that would be a slap to her memory and a burden that I could not bear, allowing them to suffer and me not being there to hold them.  

Isn't missing her every day, every hour of my life enough?  

I feel like a black chasm is open at my feet,  Deep and dark it spirals into the depths...will I have the fortitude and the will try and cross or will I fail, falling into despair.  How can I be so blessed with a wonderful family, having finally graduated and obtained a good job and yet not be able to focus on the good, the wonder and joy that my family brings.  

I am broken inside and even though time heals I fear this break will always be tender.

Ivy as always I love you

Daddy