Graduation is coming soon and that means change. Change that I am not sure I can handle yet. Getting my degree and finishing school ... working full time during the week. I can handle all of these changes but I don't know about moving to be closer to work.
Home. It's such a simple word and means different things to different people. Home is where my family is. Home is that safe warm place full of good memories. Home is continuity and home is love.
Home is where my Ivy is. How do I find the way to leave our home for another? How do I find the strength to change the one and only place that my family has ever been whole. Our small home where we first brought our precious daughter home to...our home where we raised her for almost four years...our home where she left us...our home where she last walked the floor...where she laughed and loved. How?
The home my wife and I came home to the day Ivy died. The home that felt so physically empty but filled with her memories...The home where I said goodbye to her that fateful day.
How do I find you if not home Ivy? Where do I go? Who do I ask? How can I touch your soft hair and hear your clear laugh if not at home?
So much pain is in my heart tonight that I feel it may burst. My eyes strain to blink away tears as I type. I know our home isn't lavish, isn't huge, isn't many things but it was the home our family made...our whole family.
I ask you how and why? I speak of change and pain. I selfishly feel that I have been through enough already and why force me to make another change? Another acceptance of her loss. I don't need any more changes, I know she is gone. I feel it in every breath that isn't quite complete because of the missing part of my soul.
I fear tonight will be another sleepless night. Sitting here looking at photos' of our past happiness. The grief of her loss tearing at me, whispering could have's and should have's.....questioning yet no answers come forth to give me comfort.
Home is lost.
Home is pain
Home is grief
No matter the time or distance...the trials or circumstances I can never go home again.
As always Ivy,
Love Daddy.
I know that I say this a lot, but I am really proud of you! This is a huge step and I know that I can't even imagine how hard it must be, but this step is one that you do not take alone and your family and friends are here to help if you need us.
ReplyDeleteOne day, we will all go home :)