Ivy my beloved

The ridges of the stone felt sharp and crisp against my fingers.  The tips of each one questing into each groove and notch.  Alternating from a rough ridge to a smooth straight side....The day was warm and a gentle breeze was whispering through the grass making a small rustling sound as my fingers gently caressed the word "beloved" on Ivy's headstone.  I knelt at her grave silently tears rolling unnoticed down my face.  My precious child wrapped tightly in her favorite blanket so close....so close....no earthly way was left for me to reach her though no matter the distance.

If I could only imagine one more day to be with you.  We would be completely alone.  Just your mom and sisters would be allowed in.  A jumping, rolling knot of playing sisters as Ivy tagged along after her older siblings....wanting so much to be like them and of course snuggling against her mother their long hair entwining as Ivy kisses her cheek.  No feelings of love would go unshared, no laughter withheld.  This long jagged cut in my soul erased as if it had never been....no more grief, sadness and anger only pure joy at the thought of our family being together again.

That is what I could imagine.

As I knelt in front of her gravestone, my fingers pressed so hard into the cold unyielding stone I saw another person.  At first I took them to be a visitor like myself but then realized that they were cutting through the cemetary to reach a destination.  All of my sadness left and changed to anger.  What gave this person the right to disturb me in this moment of peace with my child.  How can my tears and grief not stand out like a beacon among stones.  The emotions I was feeling were so intense they must be visible to others!  But the person noticed not.  Not that I was crying,  Not that I had such anger,  not that my beloved daughter lay beneath my feet.  How I thought.  How can they not see and know such a powerful thing.  Such a thing that has changed my life forever.  I thought these things as I glared at the person and then I noticed the person was actually a young man of around eight.  My anger extinguished as I grappled with my intense emotions and I felt a guilt rising in me.  What right did I have to feel angry at anothers child?  How could I have these angry emotions that overcame my sense of loss right here at my daughters grave?

I prayed again on her grave and asked for strength to make it just one more day.  Then for one more after that.  Most of all I prayed for her to know my love for her.

I love you Ivy and miss you
Love as always,  Daddy

Ivy's Promise

I know in my heart tonight a feeling of peace.  A light in the corner that glimmers slightly has suddenly burst into full flame and lit the dark corners of my soul.  A reason.  A promise.  A goal.  All these and more formed from evasive broken pieces of thought and grief into a strong resolve!  A powerful shout echoes through the clamoring of guilt and denial in my head.......What is this light?  What is this noise?  My daughters love.  Ivy would not want me to be saddened by her death.  She would not with me pain, suffering and grief.  No!  She would do what she did everytime she saw that I was sad.  She would lay her cheek against mine her soft hair curling around us and tell me she loved me.  Don't be sad Daddy.  So I look at my life.  How am I honoring her memory by burying it in sadness and grief?  Why shouldn't I laugh and feel love at the memory of her running into my arms to be held.  Why not feel the wind fresh on my face and think not of death but of the love she had for her family.  The love that I am resolved to provide in her stead.  How I will make my wifes tears into smiles, my childrens sadness into laughter.

Ivy.  I promise.

Love with happiness in my heart for all the wonder you continue to bring into our lives
Always a proud daddy of Three!
Daddy.