The ridges of the stone felt sharp and crisp against my fingers. The tips of each one questing into each groove and notch. Alternating from a rough ridge to a smooth straight side....The day was warm and a gentle breeze was whispering through the grass making a small rustling sound as my fingers gently caressed the word "beloved" on Ivy's headstone. I knelt at her grave silently tears rolling unnoticed down my face. My precious child wrapped tightly in her favorite blanket so close....so close....no earthly way was left for me to reach her though no matter the distance.
If I could only imagine one more day to be with you. We would be completely alone. Just your mom and sisters would be allowed in. A jumping, rolling knot of playing sisters as Ivy tagged along after her older siblings....wanting so much to be like them and of course snuggling against her mother their long hair entwining as Ivy kisses her cheek. No feelings of love would go unshared, no laughter withheld. This long jagged cut in my soul erased as if it had never been....no more grief, sadness and anger only pure joy at the thought of our family being together again.
That is what I could imagine.
As I knelt in front of her gravestone, my fingers pressed so hard into the cold unyielding stone I saw another person. At first I took them to be a visitor like myself but then realized that they were cutting through the cemetary to reach a destination. All of my sadness left and changed to anger. What gave this person the right to disturb me in this moment of peace with my child. How can my tears and grief not stand out like a beacon among stones. The emotions I was feeling were so intense they must be visible to others! But the person noticed not. Not that I was crying, Not that I had such anger, not that my beloved daughter lay beneath my feet. How I thought. How can they not see and know such a powerful thing. Such a thing that has changed my life forever. I thought these things as I glared at the person and then I noticed the person was actually a young man of around eight. My anger extinguished as I grappled with my intense emotions and I felt a guilt rising in me. What right did I have to feel angry at anothers child? How could I have these angry emotions that overcame my sense of loss right here at my daughters grave?
I prayed again on her grave and asked for strength to make it just one more day. Then for one more after that. Most of all I prayed for her to know my love for her.
I love you Ivy and miss you
Love as always, Daddy
Those of us who haven't gone through this loss really can't comprehend it. I am glad you are not letting the grief and anger tear you down. You are using it to become stronger, kinder and better. I admire you.
ReplyDeletekurt
Dear Justin,
ReplyDeleteHello. I'm a good friend of your sister's, Niesja. I lost my daughter when she was 10 months old. I know the pain is intense and will be for at least a year. I had horrible dreams where I wanted to just get her out of the ground, and I cried at the drop of a hat.
But please believe me. The pain does subside. Not that you will ever (nor could you or want to) forget that you are a father of 3. I still consider myself a Mother of 2. Eventually in my case, I was able to get the answers I needed as to why me, why her. What was her mission on this earth for her short life? I feel honored that she chose me as her Mother to fulfill her mission with.
For my 50th birthday present, I got my first tattoo. It has 2 astrological signs, 1 for each of my babies. I think she and I would have become good friends after the parent/child relationship evolved.
My son and I celebrate her birthday every year. He's 23. My Kristina would have been 32 this February.
Niesja told me you have a good support group. Go often, talk about her to everyone. It helps. Your blog is wonderful, I wish I had had such an outlet for my feelings.
Know this, Ivy is with you. Her spirit can go where she wants and she's probably very close by.
All my prayers for you and your dear family,
Lois Brower