Night falls fast across the landscape of my soul today. I strive to find the faintest glimmer of light across the desolate flats. I know that I have fallen into a deep depression today brought on by many factors but mostly lack of sleep and the most important...the absence of my daughter. I reach desperately for meaning but I just can't make my self care about anything today. On phone calls and conversations I could not even make decisions because I felt so emotionally and physically drained. I told myself "I don't care." I told myself "it does not matter what happens next because it can't get any worse than this". Then my wife came and laid next to me in tears because she was so worried about me. And my selfish walls that I had built around me today started to crumble. The don't care attitude was beaten and stomped down by the power of her pain. Pain because of me. Pain because I was not strong enough to be the man that she needed me to be. I feel like I have failed my family I am suppose to be the strong one! Not the one weeping in the burnt out coals of a cold hearth. Where have my feelings gone? To completely desert me and leave me cold and numb. Physically and emotionally unable to even carry on a normal conversation other then yes, no or don't care. The only emotion I can still feel keenly is the sharp blade of grief that buries it self in my heart every time I think of Ivy. My chest heaves and tears stream down my face but I don't even care enough to notice who is watching me. The part of me that I need desperately need o find, the part that never gives up, the part who would be the man that Ivy would want me to be is lost in this wilderness. I pray to god that I can find that person again. I pray that someone, somewhere will be able to tell me how to get back to that secret hidden path.
I admit it. I am afraid and I need help. I need people to leave a comment to pull my head out. I need people to leave a note that says everything will be better. I need her memory to be shared with as many people as possible and never forgotten. I feel that the love off my family and friends is the only way back to the sunlight and happiness of life. A life where the cool breeze of a brisk day evokes thoughts of walks among autumn trees. A stream chuckles over rocks and down a gully making it's noisy way through the hills and leaving a tang of freshness you can taste from the spray. And most important the touch of 's hand on mine. To know that I am not alone, that touch upon my soul from a divine source to grant comfort.
Please......
Ivy as always
Love, Daddy. And forgive me for not being strong enough...
You already know where to find strength. You already know who to ask for help. No one can help or understand more perfectly, and, to make it more wonderful, she is with him. You are perfectly imperfect just like the rest of us, all you have to do is let go, there is an end to your suffering, I know it, I believe it with all my heart, hang on and don't let go, when you feel your lowest that's when things start to look up. I love you, Michelle loves you, Laura and Olivia love you, Mom loves you, Dad loves you, Niesja loves you, Chance loves you, Bryce loves you, Mern loves you, Alyse loves you, Dante loves you, Austin loves you, Christy loves you, Zach loves you, Ali loves you, Tay loves you, Camden loves you, Rose loved you, Nathan loves you, Nat loves you, Randy loves you, Jared loves you, Rob loves you, Lenora loves you, Gene loves you, Ethan loves you, Scott loves you, Amy loved you, we are behind you. We are with you. You are not alone, you dont have to be strong, just strong enough to let go and have faith, let go, let him carry you until youre ready. Strong is faith, faith is letting go, letting go is healing, healing is knowing your family is eternal. Put a penny in your shoe, put on your shoe, you cant ser the penny, but you know its there becausr you can feel it. Let that penny remind you of Ivy, you cant see her for a time, but you know she is always there because you can feel her love for you. You are loved. You are strong. You will find what youre searching for on your knees and in the temple. Take sweet Michele and visit your baby there:)
ReplyDeleteI have read studies indicating that the most painful thing a person can go through is the loss of a child. There is nothing wrong with you because of the darkness and grief you feel. You would be less of a husband, father, and man if you didn't feel the pain you do. I can think of a hundred trite expressions telling you to just hang on, but only time and faith will heal your suffering. And maybe the love and support from those who care will help. Please consider us part of that group. Kurt
ReplyDeleteJustin, you should call Kurt sometime, he is a specialist after all and a wonderful listener:) No one as compassionate as family.
ReplyDeleteAnd it would be difficult to find someone with the wisdom or compassion of Julie... Or any of your other siblings. They love you so much. If you ever do need or want to talk, I do have some limitations now, but I am always here... 254.258.7165. Kurt
ReplyDeleteI pray that God gives this young man and his wife and children beauty for your ashes and the oil of joy for mourning and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. Always remember that if it was time that did the healing God would be unnecessary. This Blog resonated in my heart. I will lift you all up unceasingly.
ReplyDeleteBarbara Grinage...Kathy Gomez' niece. xoxoxo
Hi Justin (and family)
ReplyDeleteI know how painful your heart is right now, and how it has been since losing Ivy, her leaving was never your fault, you didnt fail, in fact you succeeded,you gave your daughter love,happiness and a fathers all embracing adoration, how sad she would be to think of you still suffering,her special place in spirit is a heaven none of us know until we reach there and meet again with the ones we love.Your wife loves and needs you , as much as you need her,together you will continue to mourn Ivy's parting but rejoice together as parents knowing she was so happy during her time with you. You are allowed to smile again, you're allowed to be happy again and not feel guilty about being so. How much you are still loved by Ivy and how she will giggle in a special way when she sees her mummy and daddy smiling and hears their laughter,the memories wont be painful when you think of her,but will be filled with a deep love and thanks for having been so special in her life.
Eileen,(Ireland) with much love and prayers for you and your family xx