It seems like years since I last sat here, composing my thoughts and trying to bring sense to my roiling emotions. It has been 2 years since I last held my child. Our special date with destiny took place on October 5th 2011. A fey and cheerless morning. Having spent the previous night praying that god please spare out little child. Our beautiful curly haired Ivy who had never been any thing but innocence and love. Pleading with god to take me instead, let this pass from her and let her daddy protect her one more time.
That terrible day will live always in my mind. The day a parent loses a child is the day that the best, the most special part of a parent dies to. Always to think of her loss on this mortal plane but never to hold her until my own trials have passed. What cheer in the world turns to haze, the happiness a constant light that you just can't quite reach. These thoughts and more drive me to spend my emotions trying to convey,,, to explain what this day means to me.
Despite the grey and somewhat depressing way that I started this post all is not completely dismal. In fact a new child, a son named Weston came into our lives exactly one month before the 2nd anniversary of her death. I have found myself in a crucible of emotions as I hold him close and feel his small hand close around my fingers. The happiness I thought forever gone glistening a little. There will never be a replacement for our daughter, we would never consider it. There is no replacing someone who is still and always will be a part of our lives.
Sometimes we feel driven to do things that others do not understand...things that seem strange to the casual observer, a neighbor and even a close friend. That thing for me is to go to the one place I feel close to her, her burial site. Though I know my beautiful wife and son and my wonderful twin daughters will be staying here at home while I make the 3 hour journey to her, I know I don't travel alone. She is with me, whispering just a little longer and you will be here. My thoughts focused only on her for this, her special day. While I know the rest of the family is thinking of her and sharing thoughts and stories I will be with her for a short time at least.
Many of you think it's strange to drive down alone....leaving your wife on this most tender of days for us but what they do not comprehend is that even though she will stay with our infant son she understands what I need to do this in order to deal with this day. And through her grace and caring she has allowed me to go. So I will travel, thoughts of Ivy, my family and what might of been allowed out and given free reign to do as they will for this one special day of the year.
Wait for me my darling,
Daddy will be there soon....
Thinking of you and your sweet family, Justin. I may not understand completely the pain of your loss, but I understand your actions. I think your feelings are normal for someone who has suffered the loss of a child and I think you have dealt with the loss in a healthy and uplifting way. I am proud to call you family, and you remain in my prayers. Kurt
ReplyDeleteIt seems like you are healing some, as there haven't been any new posts for awhile. I still think about you and check in now and then. Wishing you the best and sending out my love. Take care, cuz'. Kurt
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