I miss her. I miss her so much. My heart feels like it is being ripped out. And in it's place nothing remains. No more joy. No more happiness. Nothing to strive or reach for. Just the grief. Just the pain. Just remembering her soft hair pressed against my cheek the last time I talked to her and she asked me to protect her always. And I did. I did promise. She told me she loved me and called me daddya. Her special name for me. And I just took her home. Not knowing...not thinking that 24 hours later I would be holding her at a different hospital as her last breath escaped her tiny body. My cheek snuggled against her hair this time telling her how much I loved and needed her. I tried to make a deal with god. I promised I would take her place. I promised my eternal happiness for her just to open her eyes...to not die. To not leave. I begged. I begged like I had never before. Anything from me to save her. Anything....to protect her... But my words were as leaves in the Autumn...clinging as long as they can before falling to earth to be blown away.
God I am begging again. Please...please listen to my prayers and give me some measure of comfort. Let me know she is there waiting for me. Please help me hold to my faith because it is all I have left...all that I have left of her and I can't lose it. I just can"t.
Ivy if you can hear or see or understand any of this please help me hold my faith.
Love Daddy.
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