Ivy's sunset

I got a call from my mom and dad today.  They told me that Ivy's headstone is ready and will be put in this week. 

It just hit me like a brick wall.  A headstone.  The finality of it.  No more denial, no more hope, just the end of everything. 

A beautiful headstone with a hand painted porcelein picture of her smiling face on it.  Put above her earthly remains.  First we needed to find out if the ground was frozen so my parents drove me out to her grave in Nephi which is about a half hour from our home. 

First the most important thing is to thank my Uncle Neal who has helped us in this difficult time by designing and making the headstone for us as a gift.  A tribute to Ivy.  The sacrifice of him and his familys time and materials to help us is astounding.  Although I am so grateful to them it just really hit me.

The drive out to Nephi was harder this time than the one for her burial.  I didn't have to be strong for my kids, for my wife.  I just cried silently the whole way.  My parents tried their best to comfort me but I refused to be comforted.  My Ivy was alone.  Buried in the cold earth and I was traveling down the freeway in the fading light of day to be close to her mortal remains once more.  The sun was setting on our way down to nephi.  The last rays of the cold day flickering in and out of view as the jagged vista of the mountains came and went, obscuring then clearing as rays of light shot up into the dark clouds turning them a dark red.  And right in the middle of it was a flame.  A bright light surrounded by darkness like a flickering candle in a dark room.  Staring at it's final defiance against the night I thought of Ivy's last day.  Her fight for life.  My need for her to live.  All of it failed.  All of it going dark eventually like the light of the sun. 

When we arrived at the sunset the gloom was complete for me as I found Ivys grave, still standing slightly above the ground from the loose dirt not yet settled.  A hard crust of white snow covering her.  After checking the ground to see if it was frozen I asked my parents for some time alone with my little one.  I knelt on her grave and poured forth my soul into the cold ground.  My pants and hands covered with wet snow yet I didn't feel a thing compared to the ache for her within me.  I finally stood, swaying for a moment and bowed my head one final time to say "I love you Ivy" and returned to the truck.

Enough for now.

As always Ivy I love you
Daddy